When She Was Bad

Xander: "Yo, G-Man! What's up?"
Willow: "Why else would she be acting like such a B-I-T-C-H?"
              Giles: "Willow, I think we're a little too old to be spelling things out."
              Xander: "A bitca?"
Xander: "If they hurt Willow, I'll kill you."
Xander: "Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a
              sledgehammer, but gosh, we did that last night."

Some Assembly Required

Willow: "It says that Meredith and two other girls in the car were killed instantly. They were all on the Fondren High Pep Squad, on the way to a game." Buffy: "You know what this means?" Xander: "That Fondren might actually beat Sunnydale in the cross-town body count competition this year?" Cordelia: "Why are there terrible things always happening to me?" Xander: --"Karma!" Xander: "He joked." Xander: "People don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have. The more unattainable, the more attractive."

School Hard

Xander: "And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune." Xander: "I knew you were lying. Undead...liar guy."

Inca Mummy Girl

Xander: "Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers, and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat." Xander: "And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy food feeling in your stomach." Xander: "Well, because you never know if a girl's going to say yes or if she's going to laugh in your face and pull out your still-beating heart and crush it into the ground with her heel." Ampata: "Hello, Xander." Xander: "Oh, ye--I, uh..." Buffy: "I can translate American salivating boy talk. He says you're beautiful." Xander: "Pyah su." Buffy: "You're welcome." Buffy: "I remember how I felt when I heard the prophecy that I was gonna' die. I wasn't exactly obsessed with doing the right thing." Xander: "Yeah, but you did. You gave up your life." Buffy: "I had you to bring me back."

Reptile Boy

Buffy: "Angel barely says two words to me." Xander: "Bummer." Buffy: "And when he does, he treats me like a child." Xander: "That bastard." Xander: "Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how ya' doin'?" Angel: "Buffy." Buffy: "Angel." Xander: "Xander."


Xander: "I got fatigues from a army surplus at home. Call me a two-dollar costume king, baby." Xander: "Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex." Buffy: "But, I don't want to go with you. I like the man with the musket! Do you have a musket?" (About Xander!)

Lie to Me

Xander: "Yeah, I'm gonna' have to go with Dead Boy on this one."

The Dark Age

Xander: "Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flyin'. Were there whores?" Buffy: "He was alone." Xander: "Give it time." Xander: "Okay, 'Giles' and 'orgies' in the same sentence. I coulda' lived without that one."

What's My Line I & II

Buffy: "Do the words 'sealed in fate' ring any bells for you, Will? Why go there?" Xander: "You know, with that kind of attitude, you could've had a bright future as an employee at the D.M.V." Xander: "Now why go through all the trouble of inventing something and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I would have gone with the Cross-o-Matic, or the Amazing Mr. Cross." Giles: "Well, maybe Buffy unplugged the phone?" Xander: "No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone." Xander: "Ya' think?!" Xander: "So, you're a slayer, huh? I like that in a woman." Buffy: "You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?" (About Xander) Xander: "Oh, here we go. I am the Bug Man, coo-coo ka-choo."


Xander: "Look, I'm not gonna' tell, they're not gonna' know. Not your friends, not my friends. You wanna' go to the utility closet and make out?" Cordelia: "God, is that all you ever think about?" "Okay."

  • Xander-Speak